2009: It's all about the family (not Benjamins), baby
Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 5:03PM Note: This is a rant, enter at your own risk.
For me, this year has been quite unique. I climbed the Great Wall in China, witnessed my brother get married in India, and had a lot of family from India visit the U.S. for the first time. Some would call it "life changing," but I think I would phrase it as "perspective changing." I started the year with a journey through my motherland where I spent over 3 months exclusively with family. It was not my first trip, but it was the first time that I felt that I could look at an entire situation objectively. As one matures, it seems that those blinders that may have one been tied on by others in your family seem to deteriorate. You start seeing everything and everyone for who they are as a rational adult which is much different than what you may have thought as a teen or child. Though there is deep love present, it does not necessarily warrant the like-factor of any individual. 
On the other hand, it also is amazing to realize the goodness in someone you are related to and love then all the more for that reason. My favorite sister in India works for UNICEF and travels from village to village teaching young girls about their bodies, hygiene, and safe sex practices. She also is responsible for ensuring that everyone in her region gets their ration of food fairly, and that no corrupt government official is making money in between. She is one of the most honest do-gooders I've met, which is not easy in India. It's easier to be corrupt and take part in the "paise kahnae" [money eating], but she refuses. She lives a modest life in a tiny one bedroom flat whereas her counterparts are rich because of their dishonesty. Lending to the ill mentality of her cohorts is a trend in Indian attitudes that I noticed this past trip--the absurd lack of personal responsibility. Whether it is a politician or your Uncle Hari, everyone blames someone else for their problems. I wonder if this is some effect of imperialism or simple laziness, in any case it is very different from the western viewpoint where you are responsible for your actions, thoughts, and words.
Not to say that there are not problems here. After returning from India, I was optimistic that I would find employment as there seemed to be some definite prospects. Almost simultaneously, it seemed that every opportunity diminished due to economic problems. I have my own theories on that, but in any case, there is a silver lining. I have had a wonderful time producing V01d and Rad on the Web, two projects that may have not come into fruition if I were working full time. 
With season one of V01d nearly finished and Rad on the Web viewership growing by the episode, it is an encouraging position. Since I have been freelancing, I have learned how to live life on a much tighter budget and live frugally. It's amazing how not having much a social life can save some dough! I know this is a quality that my mother always feared I wouldn't understand, but now I do loud and clear. Saving is the best thing we can do for our rainy days, which seem to be outweighing the sunshine for most of us. My parents both were experts at living happily on a small budget [still are], and it is this mentality that helped them survive in this country. It blows my mind to think that my mother was only 5 years older than I am now when she immigrated to this country with close to nothing. I could never imagine doing that and will always have a deep respect for my parents for taking that risk.
In less than a month, I will be 25 but I feel like I have grown so much since my last birthday.
I look back at my first and second jobs 
and wonder how I much more I would have put into it if given that opportunity now. It's not that I was a slacker or ungrateful, but I don't think I ever deeply realized how good I had it until now. One of my favorite movies of all time is Vanilla Sky, mostly for this quote said by Brian (Jason Lee), "Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour. " I have always known the sour as I had a bit of a rough childhood, but for the last 7 years I could not complain. I think that maybe this jolt that we get every few years, or 7 years in my case, that life is not always rosy. It can be full of thorns, and sometimes we all have to get pricked by one to remember the sweet smell of that flower.
Along these lines, I recently found a passage I wrote in an old notebook that resonates with me even today. I wrote it on June 24, 2004, a summer when I was interning in San Francisco and much before the inception of this blog:
A.M Angel
San Francisco is a different place for many reasons. It seems like while I am here I am far from everything that is familiar. I feel emotions here that have so far been untapped; it stirs my soul with a spoon of compassion, sometimes pity, and injects a dash of real life. Here it is cold. In temperature, in demeanor...it's a dry bitter cold. Nevertheless, I am amazed by the resilience of the human spirit in this city everyday. Sometimes, I am even sickened by it. What I mean by this may be best described in a personal anecdote.
Once when I was on a bus, there was this woman who was obviously disabled, toothless, and very needy. This was my initial perception and boy, was I wrong. This woman had to be one of the most self-content people that I had encountered. While we were on the bus, she started singing Christian hymns as if Jesus himself could hear her. Despite her meager appearance, she had a fine voice. She sang wholeheartedly, each verse more powerful than the last. She was moved to tears and was glowing with happiness, she looked celestial. As the sun reflected off her copper skin and her spades of tears drew a solemn line down her high cheekbones, this woman seemed to achieve a oneness with God that a priest could only dream about. As she got off the bus, she said, "May God bless you all." How could a woman with so little give away such a lofty blessing to us (who so selfishly indulged in the basics of life)? Just then, I realized what she had was greater that the keys belonging to fancy cars that some of the passengers had in their pockets. It was bigger than all of the material luxury the world could offer. The woman on the bus was an angel with a message: count your blessings.
In my notebook, I go on to discuss how seeing that woman on the bus made me feel empty, as if I were a walking advertisement for the stylish clothes I wore and the type of life that represented. 
In the last line of the journal entry, I question whether or not I would be happy without my possessions, without money in my pocket. Although I am not completely in that state today, I can understand that life as an adult much more now than I could have in 2004. It's true, life was not always a financial bed of roses for me as my parents were both immigrants to this country and were not doctors, business people, or IT professionals like many of their counterparts. I remember roughing that part life, but as I grew older our situation got progressively better. In an odd way, I feel like I have now come full circle with being unemployed now for one year exactly.
I may have not had a full-time job this year, but I think I grew up quite a bit personally and feel more fulfilled today than I did last year. I've started to understand my family in a different way and also have had time to nurture friendships that I put on the back burner when I was too busy with my jobs in previous years. I now understand the meaning of true love and am happy to have shared that with someone special and enjoy the rose-colored glasses I now wear as a result. I do miss the confidence of full time work, but have no regrets this year. I feel that 2009 will be filed in the "Hit" envelope, whereas last year was a complete "Miss" despite the positive cash flow.Money does pay your bills, but love feeds your soul and makes it possible to survive.
2009, Rad on the Web, Reflections, V01d in Memory lane, Ramblings
Reader Comments (5)
It's funny, I got dropped by my last employer last year and you have put into words a lot of the same observations I've made from a year without a full time or 9-5er. I think I would gladly trade this last year of being broke and happy to the previous several years of working and feeling my soul be eaten away. I got to spend so much more time with my friends and see my family wherever they may be in the world, or just travel in general, which was a nice chance of pace from being made to feel guilty if I needed a sick day! Ever seen A Bronx Tale? The mob boss continues to tell the kid that "The working man is a sucker." His father, a working man, has an opposing view point, in the end, I came away feeling like a happy medium is key for real happiness. Glad someone else understands exactly what I'm going through :)
It's a beautiful post, Neha. Now that I live far away from my parents and my sister, I realize much of what you say anytime I can visit home, have them visit me or enjoy (often not frequent enough) phone calls and hear their voices. While I've made a new home for myself in the Bay Area, I'm often reminded of how home is really the love and generosity you give and take with family and friends wherever you are, no matter how big or small those exchanges are. It gives me peace and belonging, and I think that's what home is all about. And while I enjoy the art and gratification of gadgets, cars and material things, they're empty and meaningless without the irreplaceable role of family and friendships. I wish you continued success and know you know what matters most, no matter where you go from here.
Hey Neha, I think your 2009 sounds like my 2008, when I was unemployed for most of the year. It was tough not having a full-time job, but the lessons I was forced to learn during that period (esp. how to live on a tighter budget) were invaluable. Thanks for the post/reminder.
That was one of the most candid articles I've read. It's well structured and reflects the clarity of your thought process. Great job gal!
What an inspiring post! It's easy to get lost in the day-to-day comforts we take for granted. I think it's a powerful choice to make to set out and change the world. In the end, money is just a tool. And as with any other tool, the thing that really matters is what you end up doing with that tool that counts. Good luck with your endeavors!